Bob passed away this morning at 5 am. Mom called us today and told us. He had cancer all throughout his body. He died at home. When mom called us a week or so ago to tell us he " was at deaths door ", she didn't explain much. Kris made her call which i thought was strange because of mom having dementia (the early stages). But after John & i talked about it, we figured that Kris couldn't call herself because she has to be strong for mom and if she spoke with John she might start crying. John told her to email him anytime about stuff like this but she doesn't. John's going to call up there Sunday & i hope Kris understands that John won't be going to the Funeral. He wants to remember him the way he was & being around the family, the stress of it all is going to be too much and might trigger a episode of manic.

RIP Bob....you lived a good life and now you are painfree.

Christmas time is a hard time of year for us, especially this year. John's mom has dementia & we haven't seen her in almost 4 years. We talk to her on the phone, but some days she doesn't talk much which makes us both sad. John's sister doesn't tell us much for fear of worrying John. She doesn't understand that not telling John about their mom is more stressful than if she were to be upfront with him. John's been craving the booze pretty bad lately, but he's being strong and not caving in & i couldn't be more prouder of him.

I was watching David Bowie videos this morning on youtube and i'm still shocked that's he's gone. He had so much more to give as far as his music goes...darn that cancer! I've mourned now for 3 days and i've accepted the fact that's he's in a better place and his music lives on.

The first time i listened to Bowie was in 1978 when i was 9 years old after my father had passed away suddenly from a heart attack. My mom moved me and her to Peterborough Ontario from Toronto that summer. The album was Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders from Mars and it changed my life. Being an outsider at a new school, being Extremely shy where before i wasn't, being with a mother whom i didn't have any good memories growing up with, i don't know, with Ziggy i didn't feel like the only "different" kid in school. I would listen to it everyday after school for a year straight and it filled something inside of me where i was empty but didn't know at the time what it was (35 years later i dealt with the loss of my father..that's what booze & drugs did for me...block emotions.)

Anyways, his death hit me hard and i couldn't listen to his music. Today i heard Ziggy Stardust for the first time in a long time and cried. I feel better now and can smile and sing a long to his music and a) not crave alcohol (John and i have been clean and sober for 2 years now), and b) be thankful to David Bowie for the music.

R.I.P. Ziggy

Final tests results came in on Monday Dec. 21st......NO CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iwas so relived, i cried tears of joy. Go back in 3 months for a follow up. Best Christmas present i ever got.

Wed. Dec 9th, went to do more bloodwork again. Took 4 vials this time, ruling out any other types of blood cancer or anything to do with my bone marrow. I have a feeling we're leaning more towards RA, but at this point who knows! John's better now but the stress of these tests and not knowing what the heck is wrong with me is getting to both of us. Especially during this time of the year, which in itself is depressing enough. Rick says i should by next Friday, he better be right this time...

Test results came back negative, after a month of stress and worrie for me & John, Finally the news we wanted to hear. We both so happy we jumped up & down and cried happy tears.

Now, the next thing is to find out why my wbc is high, but it's definitely not LEUKEMIA!!!

4:45 am Monday morning and i know i'll get the call today about my results. Thinking good positive thoughts
I don't know whose more stressed by this waiting, me or John. I hope it's good news for his sake, because i know there's a good chance he'll want to drink again and that's the last thing i want ...especially with 2 years sobriety under our belts.

Here's hoping for positive news

Just found out today (Thursday Nov. 5th) that my test results are coming by snail mail to the drs. office.
I should know the results by no later than next week. I hope i don't get the call on Friday the 13th as i'm superstitious .
Anxiety level is 5/10 and growing. Trying to be positive but sometimes it can be abit of a challenge.

Wednesday morning at4:45 am and i can't sleep. I'm scared, worried, terified, anxious...all these feeling thoughts going through my head and at the same time trying to stay positive for John, my rock, my world , the love of my life. Been together 26 years now..been to hell and back idon't know how many times. He finally got diagnosed 4 years ago with bi polar depression...on the proper meds and our lives have nver been better, our love has never been stronger and know this...CLL..Chronic Lympholytic Leukemia.

My white blood cell count has been high lately so idid blood work. Now just waiting for the phone call...should get it today...