January 11, 2010 - I initially went to Vanderbilt Hospital via ambulance with what they thought was the flu, pneumonia and some confusion. It's a good thing that I went there for something so minor. It turned out to be pulmonary arterial hypertension (PAH), which a normal person's pulse is around 80 to 90, and my pulse rose to 250 which they had to be defibrillate me 3 different times and was admitted to Coronary Care Unit (equivalent to ICU, but CCU is for heart problems). I was unconscious for I'm guessing about a week, which good news was not forthcoming to my family down in Florida. My 81 year old mother and brother flew up to Nashville to make sure I would live and by that time I had regained consciousness and greeted them warmly. That's when they told me of everything that had gone on. At the time of phone converations with them in Florida, the doctors weren't sure if I would live or not.

I went to a regular floor after "graduating" from CCU for another week and on February 2, 2010 was transferred to Vanderbilt Stallworth Rehabilitation Hospital where they put you through intense physical (leg strength) as well as occupational (arm strength). After leaving Vanderbilt Hospital I wasn't able to get out of bed by myself, more less stand up. After receiving PT and OT twice a day (once in the morning for PT and OT and another session in the afternoon). I'm still weak, but they brought back at least 3/4 of my strength, enough to go home with. In total I was in both hospitals for 1 month, arriving back home on February 11, 2010.

I receive PT and OT by a home health agency for right now with a social worker that gets me what I need to stay independent. I think the insurance only pays for them approximately 1 month and then I will go to outpatient physical therapy at their place of choice. So I have to thank God for bringing me through this ordeal for a "normal" life again.

April 4, 2008 - Stubbed left toe on my outlying wall that connects my hallway to the living room. Simple enough you say, yes, well, it threw me off balance, hit the ground with a "plop" (got enough padding back there to protect all in the hip area very well) and I guess my right leg just had to have a place in this "accident" to get involved. Well, once striking my right leg on that wall, I knew all "trouble had begun", since I heard bones crack! Not just the simple sound of "knuckles being cracked", but actual bone inside cracking and immediate 100% pain, like I don't think I've ever felt in my life.

NOTE: What was amazing though was, I had my cordless phone up on the computer desk ready to be taken to the room to be recharged, since I'm one of the type that doesn't recharge until the battery is almost dead since that seems to prolong the life of the phone. Well, in that emergency situation, this battery was almost full, don't ask me how or why, but God I think had a part in this, otherwise, I wouldn't have to have drug myself to a phone.

Well, I got a joyful and bumpy ride (why in a high tech ambulance that has every piece of electronic equipment to save lives can't they get decent shocks?!?!) to Baptist Hospital with every bounce, every pebble we went over in the road hurting like the devil itself. They had put inflatable splints on my lower leg, but when it swelled to over four times it's size, they could no longer be used because they were cutting circulation of in my leg. Well, in the course of the next hour, they fitted me with a soft cast (while the swelling subsided), and then the next day to a hard cast, learning that I broken both fibula and tibia of my lower calf, in of course my "driving" right leg. OHHHHHHHH JOY! Well, they discharged me at this point to see the doctor in the next week, because they couldn't get my blood to go back to normal from Coumadin that fast, and he said we would use Heparin (short acting), so he could do surgery the next week.

Okay, return home with pain killers until I see Dr. R. McClure at his office. He had decided after seeing the x-rays that I didn't need surgery (why the change from Coumadin to Heparin) and would be in this cast for another 6 weeks to let both fractures heal. (The fibula was just a slight chip off the bone, the tibia another story, of an ankle pretty messed up). The last thing he said to me was that "it wasn't his fault that he was assigned to me as a doctor at Baptist Hospital". The surprise on my face probably could've shocked a few people if they were within hearing range. Well, at that point I decided a second opinion needed to be and found a Dr. W. Shell, which was excellent in his field. He said if I had left in the cast to heal, I would've ended up with a 1/2 to 1 inch permanent limp!!!!! Well, the relief on finding him was immediate, and asked what my options were. He said he could place a rod through the tibia to stabilize the fracture, minimizing the space that would give me the limp. I said okay, let's get to it, and get me back on my feet.

April 22, 2008 - Dr. W. Shell took me to surgery at St. Thomas Hospital and to my joy, no cast needed after this type of surgery. He asked me who I had at home, which I replied no one, where he sent me to Trevecca Rehab (Nursing Care) for a week after discharge. At the time, I couldn't even get out of the bed on my own, since orders were for no weight to be placed on that limb. Well, physical and occupational (arms and upper body strength) therapy were excellent, and at a point of 10 days being there, felt I could continue this physical therapy on my own here at home.

Well, being alone is one thing, but being alone, not weight bearing is another whole "ball of wax". It's been rather difficult, not having family here to help you, but when you usually give favors to people, sometime in the future they will be returned, in one way or another. Well, all my neighbor's, except one, has been more than helpful, taking care of my animals and apartment, bringing me food, and helping in one way or another. One man that I've helped all the way through the winter with firewood, I can't get to emerge from his apartment just to take my garbage upstairs for me. It feels like such a slap in the face, when you "pay favors forward" (as the movie puts it) but then when you need your turn in need, and get turned down not only by neighbors asking, you feel like your favors were not worth the trouble.

Well, I guess when you're in this predicament, you find out who you're friends are and whom aren't. I wish somehow God would put up a "red flag" and tell you who can repay those favors, and whom can't. I've got many friends here on Gold Token, that I've spoken to since coming home, and others that have gone out of their way to help, like Stormy Rebel and birddog that have not only cleaned my apartment, done dishes, done laundry, and those are the kind I don't know how to repay their kindnesses.

I wrote to a friend on here, a very close friend that has helped me through some crisis', by the name of Anita, or you might know her as SweetThot! On one of my games, I said "That's so easy for me to say in writing, but very tough to do in life, there's so many flaws in my life, to "let them go", my conscience hurts for so many things I've done, that "how" do you let them go and let God handle them and wipe them clean from your conscience? That's the thing I'm having the tough thing with. For example, me running away from home (staying away a few months with a friend on the other side of town) after my father's diagnosis with liver cancer. I wasn't there for him through all of his hospitalizations, and I have a hard time (as tears flow even after 20 years) letting that go, and that I have this horrible guilt that has laid on my soul for years and years."

She wrote me back "You are the keeper of that guilt, Beth. It's yours if you want to hold on to it, but God's willing to put that all away from you. God wants to take it off of your shoulders, and out of your life, and you don't have to continue to carry it any more. Satan would love to see you continue to bear that burden along with everything else he keeps reminding you of. Guilt is a great tool of Satan's-it's one of his best ways to keep us under his thumb. He loves to keep us living in the past hurts and ugliness that he wants in our lives, so that we will continue to serve him rather than the Lord God Almighty.

Some people get some release of things like that by just pouring it all out on paper. Reading it through, even aloud if you think it would help. And then setting it afire and burning it. Of course, this has to be done with care because we don't want you to become a fire bug, starting fires everywhere. If you cho9ose to write it all out, or type it and print it, whatever. Try tearing it all up into little strips and then to pieces, and burning it up in a large ashtray or coffee can. It's symbolic of putting it all away from you. And whenever Satan brings it to mind again, you can REMIND HIM that Jesus Christ took care of all that on the cross, and you don't have to carry it anymore. I have things from my past that Satan tries to use on me nearly every day, but each time I turn them over to Jesus again, and let myself be reminded of His great love for me, instead. That's when I have to cry out to God, to help me in my unbelief. To grow my faith every stronger. Just right now, while I was working on this message for you, Satan has tried to remind me of some things that I should have done differently years ago, which has affected my children and me over the years; but it's all under the blood of Jesus, and He will use it all to His glory if I just let him. It's not an easy thing to do, but it has to become a part of our life with the Lord. Just continue to hand it back to Jesus, each time. He never grows tired of our coming to Him."



Seedies SnowBaby submitted a story for Easter:

---

My Dear Child

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

GOD

---

I came back with the reply with many tears streaming down my face, crying like I've not cried in years! The reply entailed:

Especially that last part of "I'm waiting for you....Dad" and then signed GOD....but I know that both are waiting for me, GOD, but my Dad is right beside him, and proclaiming this on this day of his son's death for our salvation, I will say that "Dad, I hope that you forgive my sins against you while you were here on this earth and that I will reach for you and be in your arms the day that I pass away and go to GOD. In among the tears Dad, I love your dearly, and miss you even more, and wish you could see and meet your grandchildren and know that I'm in your hometown of where you were born and pray this in His name, Amen!"

Sorry guys, I just had to say that, I've prayed that for many a year and hope that it would and may come true for things that I sinned and fought, and disappointed a father, that passed from this earth, October 1987. That's the first time I've vocalized that and I pray that as certain as I sit here, and I pray that God and Jesus forgive me that sin of many and come into my heart today!!!!!!!!!! I sat here and said a prayer, and I pray that he comes to my life today, on the day that he ascended into Heaven and as God, as his father, and my savior, that he will.

---

I can't tell you how much of a "service" you have done for me and others here at GoldToken by putting this blogging part in our profiles, so that it helps me to get my frustations out by typing them, and/or warn others not to get in the same predicament that I got in.

GoldToken, I've been here since August 17, 2005 and from the very first, have been met by kind people, nobody fighting over games (like I've seen on many other sites, it's a game for goodness sake, don't worry over that, when we have World Wars going on around you!) and/or cussing you out for no good reason, just cause you were there in their sights and they decided to write disgusting messages to you. GoldToken, I've never heard too many harsh words toward anybody, no cussing, it's a family site I've been told, actually I used to play Heyred's son a game, until he got tired of it, just like kids.

But I've made many, many friends in here, many too numerous to mention all of them or miss one. But for all the people that have listened with kind ears, prayed for me when I was sick and/or hurting, and/or just had compassion, I want to to every one of them to my support people, to my friends that I meet a new one every day here on GoldToken, all the way up to management. They really don't have anything bad to say about someone, they just "tap" you on the shoulder every now and then when you've made a boo-boo in discussing something "off topic" where a child might see. But God Bless them all, they have quite a job in front of them and they do it well, all the way to Badger! Badger is quite a lady, and so nice, I love when she's on and we get to chat for a little bit, but she's a busy lady and I know that, but she runs the show so well, that I'm proud to say that I'm a member of GoldToken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, on multiple attempts to get this patient advocate (doesn't anybody answer their phones at Vanderbilt, or do they just look at the phone ringing and wonder what the heck it is?!?!), I was in tears and called my patient representative Bill at Windsor Medicare Extra as to what to do in the case of being discharged from a pain clinic. Come to find out WHEN I talked to the patient advocate Marbie, that Dr. Datta gave her a totally different reason why I was discharged from their clinic. He said if I would get a report from a psychologist and/or psychiatrist that I needed medicine to help with this pain in my back (pinch a nerve of his and see how he feels) that he would TALK to me about coming back! I told Marbie that I could certainly get a report from either doctor since I see both, but if he thought he was going to go through with an epidural now, after going to Patient Advocacy, that he wouldn't get anyplace near my spine with a needle. Who knows what kind of damage he could do in "revenge" of being reported. But on the "registered receipt letter" that they sent to me, it said I had "inappropriate or threatening behavior directed towards staff". HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? It was his secretary that screamed at the top of her lungs to get out of her office when I came back to get the business card for my internist. She basically threw it at me. Oh also, "no medications were dispensed by the Pain Clinic, therefore no prescription given." Nice of the man to take care of pain and can't give a 30 day supply of pain medicine until I find another physician, WONDERFUL bedside manner that he had.

Well, between Bill, the insurance representative and I, he said had I considered going to a neurologist and/or neurosurgeon to see about repairing this disc. I said no, I had been to one at Vanderbilt, he said and I quote "this can't be helped by surgery" and left the exam room. No introductions, just said that and left. Well, nice to meet these doctors that all have been trained to have great bedside manner at Vanderbilt. How do they teach students about bedside manner when they have none themselves. Do the students learn this out of books? Or just human compassion and wanting to be a good doctor themselves? I hope this is the case, cause of what Vanderbilt must graduate each year in the way of doctors, I hope that a good percentage of them has some bedside manner to treat their patients with compassion.

I go to a neurologist next week, with my CD in hand (MRI results are on this CD) and see what he has to tell me about what they can do about this stenosis of my lumbosacral disc.

This is after I talked to the Patient Advocate at Vanderbilt this afternoon and I'm frustrated as all get out so I'm taking it out in this blog! The doctor/office tells me one thing in the registered letter as to why I'm discharged, then he tells the advocate something totally different.

I think the doctor as well as the psychologist (have to go get the report from Patient Records to see) think that all this pain from my back is "in my head". They've both seen the MRI reports as well as the films and see that there is a disc sticking up through the hole where the spinal cord goes. If it were them, they would have pain, and they would do something about it.

The frustrating thing about this, that in Tennessee, you get discharged from a Pain Management Clinic it's tough to get into another one. First the registered return receipt letter said I was discharged because of conduct towards his staff, now he tells the advocate that if I get a letter from a psychologist and/or psychiatrist that I need medical care, that he will TALK TO ME about taking me back. Which is it? I didn't do a thing against his staff, the staff treated me like dirt, I was crying when he wouldn't give me anymore pain medicine to take care of this herniation of the disc. Do you think now that I've been to the advocate, I'd let this man put a needle in my back to do an epidural? NOOOOOOOOOOOO way, I'd for sure have a spinal headache after he was done!!!!!!!! And the nurse is just as nasty!

So they're taking all this, and blaming all this on my depression!!!!!! Okay, if depression is considered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), isn't he being prejudiced against my disease, that I think this is all in my head. Doesn't he think that I would have withdrawn from the Vicodin by now, if I was going to. I've been taking that for 5 years, and it's been 6 weeks since I've had any. My back hurts day and night, but I've had no withdrawals from Vicodin!!! I feel I should take this to a lawyer and let him decide.

I read on "My Vanderbilt" the Patient Bill of Rights and he's broken a good half of them! One of them states something to the fact that "they will consult with the patient about treatment", he's never consulted with me about treatment, he just gave the medicine and didn't care that I had the gastric bypass and didn't absorb all the meds.

My neighbor, Michael, such a sweetheart, he said did I hang up the phone yesterday or what?!?! I said I was online all day so I wasn't missing my family. I said I knew the first few years would be tough, but the first year was VERY hard without them. But Marta, my sister in law surprised me yesterday, telling me that she, Lee (my brother) and the kids (4 of those little brats, but my sweetie's!) were going to spend Christmas with me!!!! YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWWWW

But Michael just loaded me down with enough food for a week. He works graveyard shift at the nursing home, but he was cooking while he slept. Some delicious turkey and dressing, ham, potatoes, deviled eggs, etc. and enough samples of dessert just to put the 10 lbs. I just lost back on me. So I've got Thanksgiving dinner, plus for a week, the way I eat. I said the next year that we would split the costs of the meat, but he's got friends in San Francisco, and he said he wanted to move to CA. I would sure miss him, cause he could look at an engine and point right to the problem. He said my car, like myself is still getting used to the cold weather (was 26 out there this a.m.) and in the cold weather you learn to start your car about 10 minutes before you're ready to leave, and the car and fluids will be running by then.

See it's amazing what you'll learn in Tennessee. Like the song says, "All my ex's live in Texas,
And Texas is a place I'd dearly love to be (wrongggggggggggg!) But all my ex's live in Texas, And that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee." and that's the way it's going to stay. Thank you George Strait!

Well, to start the week off right, I was so dehydrated that the nurse said my blood looked like molasses, but they hydrated me and sent me home. My doctor decided that Friday to put me in a 24 hour Holtor monitor for my heart rate since it was all over the place and they were trying to decide which kind of beta blocker would do me the best for my pulse.

Then I find out that the internist I just got is not taking my insurance after 1/1/08. Great, I was just getting to like the guy and 'train him' that I wasn't going to quit smoking for anybody or any thing. You know you gotta train those doctors, you're partnership in your own healthcare.

Second of all, I think my 1997 Nissan Altima with 105,000 miles doesn't like cold weather. Well, it just better get used to it, but my neighbor suggested to come out and start your car about 10 minutes before you intended on driving it when you were scraping ice off the windows. He said things out here are freezing, can you imagine what the gas, oil and anti-freeze temperatures are? So I drove anyway, but the car coughed, wheezed, sounded like it wasn't getting enough gas, turned around on the highway and headed back to the place I get the car services. GUESS WHAT? The car ran like a top for him when he opened the hood!!!!!!!!!!!!! DARNED MACHINES

The first part of Nov. my pain specialist asked me to see a pain psychologist! Okay, no problem, I can tell him, or you how your pills aren't relieving my pain. Very nice man that I talked with over 2-1/2 hours (talk about cotton mouth) and said he would send the report to Dr. Datta, the pain specialist over the Vanderbilt computer system (you have no charts everything is recorded on computer). Well Dr. Datta looked at the pain psychology report, not quoting any lines written but he could no longer give me any medicine and would cancel any epidurals. I left the office in tears, I called the psychologist from home asking what he wrote, and he said it was a good report.

In the meantime, I've received a letter from the Pain Management Center that I was discharged because of disrespect to their staff. What disrespect?!?! Your nurse yelled at the top of her lungs to "get the h--- out of her office" (nice lady!) I remember back that I was crying when I left the floor, one of the managers on the floor trying to see if I was alright, and has quit since because of this incident.

I've made up my mind that I'm going to claim my medical reports and notes and psychological reports from Vanderbilt next week (no charge to me) and get some legal representation.

Monday, October 29, 2007
Feeling good today and I welcome anybody and everybody to come look at my blog. I'm going to try and summarize some of the hardships I had of State Employment and what led to my disability, so I guess I'd better start with childhood. This will be a neat way of keeping diaries instead of writing all the time, which gets to my wrist, but that's later in the story. Right now I'm playing my games on my favorite game site of Gold Token, where I have 3/4 of my support friends and family.