I am sooo excited .. there is a waiting list .. but .. I might have shop space soon !!! 😍😍😍 There is a wonderfully eclectic shop a few blocks from me .. two story building right on Route 66 .. over 100 vendors of quality inventory .. the seller who referred me pulled 1800 dollars out of it last month .. I realize that does not mean every vendor made as much .. but for one to make that much .. with that many other sellers in the shop .. there is money coming thru those doors 😃😃😃 A friend and I went to check the shop out .. fell in love with it .. I would be a regular buyer there, it has an amazing assortment of items .. anything you can possibly be looking to buy .. within reason .. no cars, trucks, or boats .. sorry guys 😄😄😄 .. got a copy of their contract and shop info .. very reasonably priced and I could not think of one single question their information packet did not answer in a very straight forward, easy to understand manner .. important, because it reflects a very well run, organized shop. I had Tom read the papers and he feels the same way ..

Next step will be to get finished setting up my workspace .. that is proving to be a task .. going from a studio to the not so large extra bedroom in this small house is calling for a total revision of my thought processes regarding how it will be organized to function as efficiently as possible .. ideally, I will not have to hunt down things I need just to get pieces done. Where studio had separate areas/desks or tables for each endeavor .. Fantasy porcelain art .. Natural gemstone jewelry .. Sewing station with fabrics, etc for clothing line in the making .. now, it has to be done from the desk of a wall unit with shelving and one of those large rack of shelves like you see in restaurant kitchens .. I have a nice storage building just off my backyard deck .. it may be enlisted LOL

Once I can actually get back to work .. versus the slave labor of the present that keeps my Fibro in combat mode right now .. I will make some new pieces to add to what is left of the items I have listed on Etsy .. none of the Fantasy Porcelain work is available .. God has blessed me with selling every piece I have ever made with the exception of two I gifted .. I want the shop to see the actual quality of my work .. and want to add earrings to a few of the necklaces .. which will no doubt inspire more necklaces as well once I get into my gemstones 😍 I also want Tom to come look at the shop with me and get his input as well.

Wish me luck and all prayers appreciated .. Have a blessed day 🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻

I just realized that fact this morning after talking to a long time friend who has seen me go thru many mountains and valleys .. Kathryn teases me that Tom made me "high school giddy" when we first went from "just friends .. not looking" .. to this wonderful loving relationship .. according to her .. I still am. What she also said this morning is what has played in my thoughts again and again until I realize the profound truths within her words.

My two plus year stalker ordeal changed me .. fear became a permanent part of me as a person .. Fear, from the moment I woke up to him standing over me .. decided my every moment .. every action .. or lack of .. without my realizing just how much of me was lost under it's control. I knew I tried to become as "invisible" as possible .. THAT .. I knew .. what I DID NOT realize is that I stopped being "me" to the extent that I made myself vulnerable. The inner strength and determination that got me thru some very dark times growing up .. took a back seat and gave Fear the reins. Those few minutes of looking up and seeing him standing there after over two years of dealing with him from whatever distance existed from one incident to another .. were able to do what marrying at 16 to escape an abusive home .. only to discover I had married into it .. but then had children to consider as well .. could not do .. wrapped me .. my entire self .. in a dark blanket of fear that kept me a literal prisoner in my own life. On the outside, I'm certain it was not easy to tell .. I fooled even myself as to exactly how much control it had in my life .. but Kathryn has known me since before that moment .. and she said it broke her heart to see me "sleepwalking" thru my life .. yet could offer no solution, so she remained supportive and hoped I would "wake up" one day.

Fear is an insidious thing .. it makes you allow things in your life that you would never tolerate .. you expect less of life .. yourself .. and others. THAT is what makes you vulnerable .. situations arise that you find yourself in the middle of without even realizing they exist .. much less to the extent they grow to be .. people learn how to manipulate you and you allow it .. sometimes realizing .. sometimes not .. Fear teaches you to settle for less than you deserve .. make excuses why to accept things you once would not tolerate .. the more "invisible" you become .. the more ground you willingly surrender .. until there is a walking, talking imitation of you. I know these lessons from learning them the hard way .. the only way you can once you surrender your spirit over to Fear.

Today .. I am in the process of rediscovering me .. Life .. learning to live without that dark grip on my every thought and action .. the strength and determination to not just survive, but overcome those harsher times in life that saw me thru so much ugliness and pain in both my childhood and ill-fated marriage .. they have been rejoined by confidence and independence .. I wake up each morning with a smile .. NOW when I write in my Gratitude Journal or put a slip of paper into my Blessings jar with a blessing written on it .. now .. I actually FEEL them .. instead of trying so hard to make them seem real. I am learning to trust myself again .. and others.

I fully admit .. I did not do this .. I am trying hard now to finish the journey and excited to see what lies ahead .. but it took the patience and healing love of a very amazing man. He refused to give up when I offered him reason after reason why we would not "work" .. he gave me time I needed to learn that I could trust him completely .. first as a person with my friendship .. then as a man with my heart .. coming from my background .. trust is not easy for me to give .. he understood that and he waited .. never pushing me .. he has always had this uncanny sense that is almost like he can see inside me .. always seems to know exactly what I need .. when I need it .. and most of all .. does it with a sincere desire that I regain .. and remain .. the strong, independent woman I once was .. he is there as my rock .. my strength .. when I need it .. never wanting to control me in any way .. he wants me to feel safe and protected .. free from the chains of fear I was bound by .. but he wants me to be proud of ME for doing so .. not feel I owe it to him in any way. The honesty between us reassures me that I can speak from my thoughts without "editing" first .. I know .. there are those who will find the idea unbelievable as outspoken as I can be 😃😃😃 but when it comes to those I love .. I learned at an early age to "read" people and only say whatever will keep the peace. Tom would not let me get away with that .. the only thing or times he insists that I do something .. he refuses to settle for my attempts to brush my hurts or worries aside as unimportant .. they matter to him and in that .. he is relentless .. I am slowly learning there is no sense in even trying to hide my thoughts or feelings from him .. that uncanny way he has of sensing something in my world is not right .. is ALWAYS there .. I might tell him sometimes I wish he could not read me so well .. but he and I both know .. there is a certain sense of security .. a peace of spirit if you will .. the knowledge that I am not only loved and cherished .. as "me" .. but also .. understood .. I no longer feel it is my fault for being "too complicated".

Today .. I actually look to my future with hopes and dreams again .. anticipation .. my world has actual colors in it again .. I don't know how to explain it so others can understand .. but it was slowly fading into a series of grays .. bright spots were those pastel moments here and there that allowed me to ignore just how unhappy with Life I truly was. If you refuse to acknowledge the existence of something, it is very easy to pretend .. and I had become a master at it. I actually started my natural gemstone jewelry line I had planned to join my Fantasy Porcelain .. in downsizing to move here to Amarillo from Okla City, I have discovered most of my bins of fabric were left behind so clothing line has been delayed .. but the opportunity the nearby shops provide more than makes up for it .. besides .. as a self admitted "fabriholic" .. I LOVE shopping for fabric, etc .. I just get to enjoy myself .. without the guilt of knowing I already have more than enough fabric and trims. 😃😃😃

Yes .. I have fallen in love with Life again .. it's nice to be back .. no more sleepwalking and settling .. time to test these newly rediscovered wings and fly .. Thank you Lord for these blessings

Today I went to one of my favorite places to be .. the Library .. Amarillo has a very nice library system I am discovering and I love it. They have one failing .. no books by one of my favorite authors .. Cecilia-Dart-Thorton .. but such is life .. one cannot expect a library to have everything for everyone. I was at the downtown branch today .. a two story modern brick building that someone put a great deal of thought into .. they even have a separate room upstairs devoted to self help books .. and a fantastic selection of cookbooks from all over the world .. as a collector myself, it is difficult to impress me with run of the mill books containing recipes that most already know or have .. the self help room is impressive and despite not really exploring that particular genre very much personally, I can appreciate the thoughtfulness of a room of solitude allowing one to truly concentrate.

They also have a weekly reading group for young children .. I really was impressed by that .. as I was reading the board encouraging little children to come be a part of it, this precious little girl dragged her father over .. her bright blue eyes were full of excitement .. Look daddy .. see .. oh puleasssssse daddy .. Please bring me .. I will be a good girl .. FOREVER ...I promise daddy .. Its my very favorite book in the whole wide world !!! She saw my smile and smiling back , she suddenly stopped her barrage to her father and very sweetly asked .Hello .. do you have a little girl ? is she coming to the storytelling club? I can sit with her and be her friend if she doesnt know anybody .. Is she pretty like you ? where do you live ? maybe she can come over for a playdate . that would be so much fun .. I have a lot of toys and I will share with her if she comes over .. I almost hated to interrupt, she was so precious, but I had to. I tried to answer everything in her nonstop .. No I do not have a little girl .. but if I did, I would want her to be as pretty and sweet as you honey .. suddenly two little arms went around me in a gentle hug .. and she kissed my cheek softly .. looked into my eyes with that big blue ocean of hers and in the sweetest tone of voice .. Come hear the story anyway .. we have two boys who come that dont have a mommy .. my mommy is in heaven but she watches me all the time .. even while I am sleeping .. I dont know if they have a mommy watching over them .. I bet they would like you being there .. Please ? .. At that point Dad decided she had visited enough .. I'm sorry, she never meets a stranger and can be a real chatterbox sometimes .. I could not help but smile as I answered .. Don't apologize .. she made my day. They turned to leave so Dad could check out their books .. walking away, she looked back .. waved and blew me a kiss.

The innocence of a child .. 👸💜👼

Absolutely frustrating not to have this house in order by now. i can deal with no studio space to work out of .. that was a luxury .. MANY people work out of a room in their home .. I BEGAN that way when I first started using my artistic skills God gifted me with. Yes, there are things I miss after the huge downsizing this move to Amarillo forced upon me out of sheer necessity .. with more to come as bins & boxes are finally empty. Walking into the room is unsettling .. it is still absolute chaos .. coming from the quiet serenity of the rest of the house into that room is like walking into some strange crazy other dimension .. if I did not recognize much of it' .. my black desk/wall unit .. the ivory hammered iron frame of my canopy bed (still needing to come out from behind the madness and assembled for my bed .. it's lace canopy valances could then actually leave the top of my largest dresser) .. shelving .. bins and boxes partially revealing their contents from extracting bits and pieces to use in the house as it was coming together .. I would think it was a room somewhere else. Taming this chaos LIVES on my daily "to do" list .. my Fibro takes great delight I think in dragging it out like some endless cruel joke .. it taunts me every day .. leaving it off my list does no good because my thoughts still focus on how much it needs to get finished .. until it does .. my work is on hold .. a sort of limbo that is continually tugging at me .. get rid of the chaos.

Yet despite the intrusive chaos on my thoughts .. the fact remains .. I am a very happy .. blessed lady at this point in my life .. I think you need to travel the harder paths in your life journey to fully appreciate when it finally comes together in a contented and fulfilling way that nourishes your spirit. God will never give us more than we can bear .. I admit .. sometimes it DOES feel that way .. things that wound our hearts so deeply it is hard to take another breath .. lessons so hard to learn, you wonder if you will ever succeed .. disappointments that make one wonder if you even WANT to keep on going .. much less, try again .. but they all strengthen us .. deepen our resolve to overcome .. teach us much needed lessons .. help us find our own belief and confidence in ourselves. I finally have.

Fear once controlled me .. editing and deciding every aspect of my life .. leftovers from dealing with an insanely obsessive stalker for over two years .. I woke up one night to him standing over my bed .. I cannot begin to count the number of times I have relived those moments .. the crippling violation of not only my privacy .. but my personal feelings of safety and security .. even after he was sent to prison .. the fear he left behind refused to release me .. I was obsessed when it came to staying as invisible as possible .. and allowing people only so close .. all the while appearing to be my old outgoing self .. an internal chaos where fear robbed my life of truly being myself most of the time.

Today .. the fear is leaving my life .. slowly my spirit is healing .. I am happy and content .. and yes .. loved and cherished .. by the most amazing man I have ever known .. along with his love, he makes me feel warm and secure .. safe .. solid ground under my feet for the first time since dealing with my stalker. You might think it sounds as if he must be overly protective and controlling .. but that is exactly WHY he makes me feel warm and secure within his love .. he encourages me to be all I want to be .. to be a strong independent woman .. only giving advice or his opinion if I ask him for them .. I have the best of both worlds in this man .. freedom to do and think as I please .. with the strength and protection from him when I need it .. always there for me in whatever way I want or need him to be. I have never been loved so "well" .. feeling so loved .. and safe .. has freed me from the clutches of that deep fear .. my life and endless possibilities .. dreams .. lie before me .. and I'm eager to see where they lead me. Yes, I am a very blessed woman .. contented .. happy .. despite the awaiting chaos.

Another discussion topic .. how many times a week do you eat out? i posted that I prefer to cook rather than eat out .. and no, I don't consider fast food as anything desirable .. necessity as only option if you are not home, rushed for time .. starving BECAUSE of the previous .. obvious better choice than not eating .. I get that .. been there .. done that .. just try to avoid being forced to resort to pricey questionable nutrition fast food.

I prefer to cook for special occassions and family dinners rather than go out to eat .. I realize that is unusual .. and it results in discussions trying to convince me to change my mind .. be the one waited on for a change .. but I LIKE seeing everyone gathered around the table .. enjoying their food with that relaxed intimacy that you just cannot share in a restaurant. There are two exceptions .. I absolutely LOVE coconut shrimp .. and Red Lobster makes THE best 😊😊😊 .. and Chinese food .. I cooked ONE chinese dinner, complete with egg rolls and won ton soup .. fried rice .. Sweet/sour pork AND chicken .. beef and brocolli .. Even though it was literally YEARS ago, I remember it plainly because it was so labor intensive .. Enough so that despite my love of cooking .. I vowed never to do it again. So chinese restaurants it is 😃😃😃

Last night was a perfect example of why I prefer to cook rather than eat out. Tom and I have both been very sick for weeks .. a strange sort of Yuck going around that gives you a version of Strep Throat.. Double ear infections .. a severe summer cold thing with heavy congestion .. and absolutely NO energy .. I have Fibro, so the no energy thing was a double whammy for me. We stayed away from each other as much as possible to avoid passing it back and forth .. this stuff was already wicked .. you would feel better and think it was on it's way out .. then it would hit you again .. neither of us wanted a repeat Finally both seemingly over it, we make plans for dinner last night .. both still short on energy, he did not object when I said I would cook a roast .. my love is most definitely a meat and potatoes kind of man .. LOL

The reality facing me after we made our plans hit with an overwhelming sense of "WHAT was I thinking ?" 😱😱😱 Suddenly I had a to do list that rivalled Pandora's Box. I have done only the bare essentials while sick .. so I not only had a meal to cook .. I had a house to clean .. Laundry to do, including sofa cover and bedding .. making sure no pesky germs stayed behind .. AND wash my hair, down to my hips so it is an all day affair in itself 😃😃😃 AND try not to be totally exhausted when he got here .. THAT turned out to be the biggest hurdle since I still have no energy .. but I was determined .. and .. being German and Irish .. very stubborn as well .. Tom teases me .. hard headed, obstinate .. but lovable .. 😃

The resulting evening made it all worth every minute .. I made a pot roast with potatoes and baby carrots in a semi broth/gravy .. biscuits .. apple crisp .. we decided to relax a bit before eating and snuggled back to watch a movie .. half way thru .. we were in the kitchen making our plates, then back to finish watching the movie while we ate .. Finished both .. full, content, enjoying time together .. we both agreed .. quiet evenings at home together alone .. one of life's simple pleasures

The past two days prayers and well wishes have been posting for Badger and her family .. including the safety of her beloved horses .. as they deal with raging fires in their area. Prayers were also added for those in Louisiana dealing with the opposite .. floods. Quite a "normal" reaction when you hear of tragedy striking I think. Believing very strongly in the power of prayer .. having personally witnessed prayers being answered in my own day to day life .. it was a discussion of posts I happily supported as I said my own prayers.

I believe in freedom of religion very much .. it was the actual foundation of our great nation in fact. Who or what you believe in or about is a matter of personal choice. My faith in God substains me .. gives me strength .. that is MY belief .. MY choice .. I have a very dear friend of almost 20 years who is a devout Wiccan .. we have never once argued over what we believe .. we respect one another enough to accept our differing beliefs .. when I tell Kathryn I am praying for her .. she says thank you and appreciates my prayers .. it does not insult or upset her in any way .. when she talks about this Wiccan ritual or that one .. I do not disrespect or reprimand her .. I may not believe in what she does .. but it is HER PERSONAL CHOICE.

Today .. there was open ridicule of both Christians and prayer .. in truth .. we are all brothers and sisters .. and as such .. I would hope that regardless of who or what you believe your higher power to be .. you would not only ask for safety and protection for those in danger or suffering .. but also allow Christians to honor our beliefs as well as yours. That is a freedom that MANY have greatly sacrificed to give each and every one of us .. I ask you to respect them and accept the fact they many times gave up their lives .. their families have sacrificed greatly .. so that freedom of religion .. applies to EVERYONE

So I wake up feeling better than I have in weeks .. this yuck may actually be finding a new home .. FYI .. you do not want Strep Throat..Double ear infection..AND a summer flu bug .. All at once .. mouth on fire and both ears screaming was a new experience I hope never to repeat .. and Fibro does not play nice with others 😳 sooo .. I actually had some energy this morning and a trip to make coffee turned into an inspiration to attack my poor kitchen which has been suffering from my doing the bare minimum since the Yuck came to stay. It has been driving me crazy but since I STILL don't know where the faucet adapter to my dishwasher escaped to .. it is stand and hand wash .. requiring stamina and energy I just did not have .. so I am in the kitchen, singing happy thoughts .. Im jazzed to be getting something constructive done .. I HATE a messy kitchen the most I think .. when Sampson barks at a knock on the door .. the city Water Dept .. about to turn the water off for 6-7 hours while they replace the main .. in 1 hour 😰😰😰 .. NOW .. I have to figure out things to put water in .. I have not driven since the Jaws of Life cut me out of my car in 98 .. Tom is at work until 6 so no running to the store for bottled water .. I am on my own here. No cleaning house, no washing my hair .. and since it is down to my hips, THAT takes a fair amount of water and shower time.

I really wish I could say I am very practical about these sort of situations .. but .. that is not the case .. I can adapt and compensate in many situations .. but preparing not to have a basic need like water .. I had to text Tom at work .. I try hard not to call him .. having employees see the boss taking personal calls is not my idea of setting an example for them to follow .. I discover the sink in the kitchen only has one stopper .. Yes I admit .. I wash my dishes and rinse them under running water as I wash .. I want to FEEL they are clean and dropping them into a sink of rinse water is just not the same .. so I never realized there was only one .. because that is all I use .. I fill up large bowls .. both Dutch oven soup pots .. fill my coffeemaker .. make a fresh pot of ice tea .. and a bucket of water in the bathroom .. feeling pretty proud and inventive .. then Tom answers my text .. with logic .. fill the bathtub .. DUH .. one problem .. no stopper .. again he sends logical response .. use washrag and plug it up .. okay now I am feeling really dumb .. commonsense right ??? smh .. go get a washrag for the bathtub and a hand towel for the second kitchen sink .. the first being full of those unwashed dishes I was attacking .. Finally get sink and tub filled .. and realize if I had filled the tub with WARM water .. I could have taken a real bath .. Did I mention that we WERE going out to dinner tonight ?

Procrastination .. Much as I hate to admit it .. because that word seems to hint of laziness .. which is not my problem .. so I try to ignore it's presence in my life .. it IS there .. hiding in a corner .. with Fibro, energy is a premium and my daily to-do list seldom gets completely done .. you accept that fact .. or drive yourself crazy feeling you failed .. I get that .. it took a while as I was probably TOO wrapped up in the whole over-achieving .. spread yourself thin .. thing to be honest. Somehow, I seem to have drifted to the other side of the coin while I wasn't paying attention .. it was fairly easy to do .. I have Fibro to blame .. yes, I still do more than my doctors think I should .. but I refuse to give it any more ground in my life than I have to .. that being said .. truth be told .. I AM guilty of procrastinating .. putting off until tomorrow .. and the next day .. and the next .. on and on it goes .. things that seem to have a permanent residence on my daily to-do list .. You would think I would get tired of seeing them there and get them done just not to see them anyone .. wishful thinking .. prime example .. this move back to Texas .. I have half the space I had and no studio space .. and I have downsized a great deal .. yet .. the bedroom that will replace my studio .. is still not completely unpacked and still not a workspace .. it's been seven months .. yes, I have been sick battling some sort of yuck going around and it robs you of energy .. as if Fibro doesn't do it enough .. and I HAVE been unpacking .. getting window treatments done .. fitting my sense of home into a much smaller house has been a challenge .. but it is SLOWLY coming together .. notice that word .. slowly .. maybe I will get it all together and organized in time to sign another one year lease 😱 The reason I chose this house despite it's size was location .. the neighborhood itself is not ideal .. but .. I am just two blocks away from the 6th Street strip of shops that are very popular and known for their eclectic assortment of antique and unique items .. a few take consignment items and a couple rent out small spaces within their shop to artisans .. I can establish a clientele for my work. It will also give my online venture some much needed solid ground so to speak. BUT .. first I have to get my workspace together .. enter procrastination .. that nasty little creature who provides perfectly logical excuses to hide behind .. Fibro makes lifting bins and boxes not an easy task .. so I tend to put it off .. despite how badly it NEEDS to get done .. I cannot use that excuse for the next list resident .. I need to take pictures of the things I cannot use here .. have no space for .. etc .. and get them listed on eBay .. my excuse there .. I am waiting until everything is unpacked .. even I have to ask myself .. WHY ??? Procrastination .. 2+ Lace .. 0

I responded to a discussion post re .. Are you happy .. most of the post were about smiles and mine followed suit .. I thought a lot about my post afterwards .. Yes .. I AM happy these days .. incredibly so .. I am a very blessed woman .. is my life perfect ? of course not .. How would we appreciate all our blessings if there were not the other side of the coin as contrast? but I am actually GRATEFUL for those darker times .. they make the rainbows of Life that much more beautiful .. God even put a HUGE gorgeous rainbow over the restaurant door as we left the night of my birthday dinner .. it was one of the most spectacular rainbows I have ever seen .. and I love rainbows.💝 an unexpected birthday gift from my father 💝

So yes .. starting each day with a smile IS easy now .. because I start each day remembering all my blessings .. big or small .. they make me smile ... Life IS good