My Favorite Jokes and Cartoons

Every so often I hear a joke or see a cartoon that really makes me laugh and I like to save them here. I started this collection years ago and plan to occasionally add more

Mike

The Lighter Side of Life

A Pirates Misfortune

A pirate was talking to a "landlubber" in a bar. The landlubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The landlubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the landlubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and pooped right in me eye."

The landlubber asked: "How could a little seagull poop make you lose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Twistin' the Night Away

An elderly couple are out dancing on Saturday night at the local American Legion

The old lady said, "You used to dance closer to me", so the old man moved closer

She then said, "You used to hold me", so he put his arms around her

"You used to nibble on my ear", she said with a wink,

To which the old man replied, "Hold on.. let me get my teeth!"

It’s Elementary

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three"

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? "

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent! "

It’s Like Looking Into A Mirror

A man walks into a bar on St Patrick’s Day and hears two Irish men talking about the strange coincidences in their lives. They lived in the same city; they went to the same school; they graduated the same year and they had the same birthday

The man turned to the bartender with a puzzled look

The bartender shook his head and said, "The Murphy twins are drunk again!"

The Murphy Twins Are At It Again!

Sean: "Hey, how come my poop is green?"

Mary Kate: "Don't know... maybe you should lay off the green root beer!"

But I’m Not Dead!

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive

She lives for 10 more years and then dies

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out

As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

One Good Man

A woman rubbed a brass pitcher and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry. Three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony"

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable"

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know... one that's considerate, fun, romantic, likes to cook, helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for... one good man"

The genie let out a sigh, rolled his eyes, and said... "Let me see the darn map again!"

Super Bowl Ticket Dilemma

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.. A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl LVI, both box seats

He paid $11,500 each. It comes with a limo ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and $400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room

He didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place..

It's at Grace Baptist Church, Santa Clarita at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'6", about 125 lbs, and a good cook. She also loves to fish and hunt

She'll be the one in the white dress!

Can You Hear Me Now?

An elderly man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

Where’s the Toast?

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream"

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream"

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top"

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen. He finally comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

Better Knock On Wood

There were three sisters living together 82, 84 and 85 years old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters,

"Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"

The 84 year old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped, then called out,

"Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"

The 82 year old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she'd better knock on wood, and as she knocked twice on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as forgetful as my sisters"

"Now, was that the front door or the back door?"

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine as they sat together on a park bench. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years.. chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for a full minute, and finally with tearful eyes, says, “How soon do you have to know?”

What’s In A Name?

Are you squawking at me?

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "Yes"

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses"

The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!"

What’s Yours Is Mine

A married woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for"

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world

"You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women"

So the wish is granted

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world

"You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman

So the wish is granted

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish

Finally she says, “I wish for a mild heart attack!”

Be Careful What You Wish For

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one"

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home"

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too"

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here"

Okay, Now What?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

How Fast is a Bear?

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on

The second guy says, ”What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear”

”I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. ”I just need to outrun you!”

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